What she said…

Laura outlined some of her thoughts on adoption. I couldn’t have said it better myself:

  • God didn’t mean for me to “get” my kids – if I believed that, I’d believe that He meant for them to lose their families. If I believed that, I’d believe that He meant for their families to be unable to raise them. I cannot and will not believe that. God couldn’t have meant for other people, including two of the people that I love most in the world, to suffer so that I could gain…
  • I don’t deserve my children because I have the “privilege” of being financially stable/ living in the U.S.  I did not have any entitlement to them.
  • My children are not better off with me simply because they have opportunities for education, financial success, and anything else that they otherwise wouldn’t have had.
  • They were not mine until they were mine – before I got onto a plane with them, they weren’t mine. And now that they’re mine, they are not only mine. They have another mom and another dad. They will never be only mine. (I am saying “mine,” but you now I mean both Ed’s and mine.)
  • I am their mom. But they have another mom. I’m not threatened by that. I made a choice. Even if I were threatened, this isn’t about me. Ed and I didn’t bring them into this world, so logic dictates that they have another mom and another dad. Facts. Dealing in facts.
  • I feel a lot of confusion. I didn’t know much when we began the process, and we honestly began from a true, heartfelt place, but it was a sadly naive and misinformed place.
  • Regardless, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change anything. Yep, I said it. I’m being honest. If I said I’d change what we did, that means I’d be willing to not have my children, and now that I have them, I can’t imagine not having them. I can’t “go back” the that place before they were in my life and hypothesize about what I would do with more knowledge b/c they’re in my life now and I love them more than I love life itself. They make my world go around. All of this is very confusing to me.
  • Someone – I think it was Margie from Third Mom – said that we all have the privilege, financial, social, or otherwise, to sit around and think about that…what I wrote in the last paragraph. I’ll add to that and say that it’s pointless b/c it is what it is now. It can’t be undone and even if it could be undone, I wouldn’t be willing to undo it, both for my children or myself. This is our life. I love this life. I love my children fiercely. They are the reason I get up in the mornings.
  • My children have had opportunities to survive or thrive that they wouldn’t have if they had stayed in their countries…
  • Given that knowledge, I can’t think about my children not being here with us because I KNOW them NOW and LOVE them NOW and I can’t say that them not surviving, but staying with their families, would be a better option. But abstractly, that does not mean I think children are better off being adopted into families (or to countries) that can give them the medical care we are so lucky to have than staying with their own families. families shouldn’t lose their children to adoption, international or domestic, simply because others are more privileged and can provide them with medical care that they wouldn’t otherwise receive.
  • This also confuses me. Very, very much.
  • I don’t romanticize adoption. I don’t pretend that my children came from fabulous circumstances – that they rec’d amazing love and care before they came to us and that it was a love story from the minute we met each other.
  • Not romanticizing adoption goes two ways. I don’t pretend that all children who have been adopted have awesome first families that loved them dearly and didn’t want to place them or felt that it was their only option.
  • I believe that with effort in this country, domestic adoptions could be greatly reduced, but never eliminated. A lot of people disagree with me, and that’s okay because I’m sure I could be wrong. I think they could be greatly reduced, but not eliminated. But I firmly believe in my heart that there will always be some women – maybe not a lot, but some – who truly don’t want to parent or who aren’t capable of parenting. Until we cure every last social ill, there will always be a need for adoption. Maybe not nearly as big of one as there is now, but there will be a need.
  • I believe that internationally, corruption has touched many, many adoptions and created a huge market for children. This is a fact. If you don’t agree with me, it’s because you don’t want to acknowledge it. It sucks to stare that fact in the face when you’re the parent of an internationally adopted child. It really, really sucks. But again, it is what it is.
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