Dear UPS Man:
Did you see the sign on my front door?
I thought my sign was big enough. I typed it in a large font. I thought including the little smiley making the universal shushing motion might draw some extra attention to it. I thought my sign was visible too, because I put it right next to the door bell. And, I thought you would have seen it by now, since it’s been there for almost two years (back to the days when I only had one baby).
Maybe you saw it and you were confused. I thought my message was clear, but perhaps I should elaborate…
UNLESS YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO ME, JUST LEAVE MY PACKAGES ON THE FREAKIN’ PORCH. DO NOT RING THE FREAKIN’ DOORBELL AS YOU LEAVE THEM THERE, AND DO NOT KNOCK ON THE FREAKIN’ DOOR JUST TO LET ME KNOW YOU’VE BEEN THERE. YOU SEE, AS YOU DO THIS AND THEN JUMP BACK IN YOUR TRUCK AND GO ABOUT YOUR DAY, YOU ARE SETTING OFF AN IRREVERSIBLE CHAIN OF EVENTS INSIDE MY HOUSE. WHEN MY DOG TOBY HEARS THE BELL OR THE KNOCK, HE BARKS. WHEN TOBY BARKS, IT MAKES MY DOG ALLY BARK TOO. THEN TOBY BARKS LOUDER BECAUSE ALLY IS BARKING. THEN THE CHILDREN WAKE UP BECAUSE THE DOGS ARE BARKING. SINCE THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING AWAKENED IN THIS NOT-SO-SOOTHING-MANNER, THEY START CRYING. WHEN I AM FINALLY ABLE TO GET THEM TO STOP CRYING, THEY ARE GRUMPY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT HAD ENOUGH SLEEP. WHEN THEY ARE GRUMPY, THEY THROW TEMPER TANTRUMS AND ARE GENERALLY NOT EASY TO DEAL WITH, WHICH MAKES ME GRUMPY AND NOT EASY TO DEAL WITH. IT PRETTY MUCH RUINS OUR DAY. SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND A CHERRY ON TOP, DON’T RING THE FREAKIN’ DOORBELL OR KNOCK ON THE FREAKIN’ DOOR! JUST LEAVE MY FREAKIN’ PACKAGE ON THE PORCH AND MOVE ON!
Thank you in advance for your consideration and cooperation.
P.S. Ironically, the package you were delivering was a new bark collar for my dog Ally. However, I assure you that we don’t need your help testing it out the next time you are in the neighborhood.