To cut, or not to cut?

Colin has the best hair. It’s thick and wavy. I thought it would look cute a little longer, so I’ve been letting it grow. Lately, though, I’m wondering if he’s starting to look too much like Rod Blagojevich.

  

Should we get it cut, or wait it out?

Why we are moving (an open letter on diversity)

This is going to be a long one, so grab your coffee (or a glass of wine) and settle in.

I know many people who read my blog are from the adoption community, and may have multiracial, multicultural families. These readers probably understand why Christian and I believe that it is best for our family to live in an area that is more diverse than where we live now. These people have read the same research and personal anecdotes that we have, and they have talked to adult adoptees and social workers who stress the importance of living in areas with diversity. These people “get it.”

However, many people who read are “regular” friends and family, who have not had the opportunity (or the inclination) to research diversity issues. I certainly understand that. When we bought our current house, we didn’t really give diversity a second thought. We just liked the house, we liked the area, we could get more house for the money in that particular area than we could other places, and it was in a good school district. At the time, we thought it was the house we were going to be in forever. We had only been married five months, and our plan was to have two biological children. Now that we have three children, two of whom are minorities, our feelings are different.

I know that to many, it may seem that this move is a sudden one. I assure you that it is not. While the actual process of the move is happening much more quickly than we anticipated, it is something that we have been talking about for more than three years, since before we brought Zoe home.

One exercise a social worker described to us a couple of years ago that really stuck with me was this:

Take an empty jar and a collection of marbles. White marbles represent white people. Marbles of color represent people of color. Place a marble in the jar for every person in your life. You start with your family, then your friends, then your neighbors. Then move on to your dentist, your doctor, your lawyer, co-workers, and the people at your church or other social networks. Then look at the kids at your children’s school, and their teachers.

When Christian and I do this exercise, our lives are pretty white. We have colored marbles for Zoe and Colin and for a few other people, but most of the marbles in the jar are white. We don’t think it is right to live in a jar with only white marbles. We want to live in an area that is diverse, not in an area where our children are the diversity.

Christian took the time last week to write a letter to our families trying to explain our position, and he did an excellent job. Most of the text that follows comes from his letter, but I have made some edits and additions.

 

Dear Friends and Family,

After having a talk with my brother about reasons for our move, I have realized how especially “in-the-dark” our families feel about our decision. My first reaction was that I don’t have to justify our decision to anyone because these are our kids and we are their parents. We are making decisions based on what we believe to be in their best interest, and that should be enough. However, my discussion with my brother has led me to realize that it might be easier if we shared our reasoning more openly so everyone has a chance to understand. In addition, if everyone who influences our children’s lives gains an understanding of our perspective, this will also benefit our children.

Most of the time I communicate better in writing, so while I am happy to have open discussions about the subject, I am choosing this way to outline our position so that I can do it in my most proficient forum for communication. It can be difficult in a face-to-face since sometimes it feels that the outside perception is that we are actually downgrading the children’s education, or placing them in a worse environment due to socio-economic factors by choosing [the new school district]. This makes me react defensively and choose not to talk about it. I revert to the thought that others “just don’t get it,” so I don’t attempt to make them understand. Some of this is due to the fact that, unfortunately, there is a tight time line all of the sudden and I feel I don’t have the time or energy to go through all the pros and cons with everyone.

I don’t have time to cite full examples or pull together all the information and sources that have led to this decision, so my reasons will just have to be taken at face value for the time being. To begin, I would like to point out that it was not our intention to have such a tight time line. No one could possibly imagine that we would sell our house in two days. Yes, the purpose of listing it was to see if we could attract any first-time home buyers before the $8,000 tax credit expired, and that is exactly what happened. However, even though I thought we would sell our house, I think I was in denial about the ramifications of it, and I certainly didn’t think it would happen that fast.

We have an interracial, intercountry, intercultural family. These things cannot be overlooked or ignored. We have researched, read, spoken to professionals, attended panel discussions, soul searched, and conversed with other adoptive families and adult adoptees to form the basis of how we intend to handle these tough subjects as our children grow older. One of the steps we are taking to attempt to enrich our children’s lives is to participate in a school system that is racially diverse. There are pros and cons to this approach, but our conclusion is that the pros outweigh the cons.  

First, we believe that it is difficult to be a minority (especially if you were also adopted). Any way that we can alleviate that difficulty for Zoe and Colin will be helpful. They will have more opportunities to be able to relate their thoughts and concerns about their heritage to their peers when there are more classmates of non-white heritages with whom to be friends.

When we say this, some people ask, “Well, what about Noah?” Our answer is that Noah will be fine. First, we are not moving somewhere where there are no white kids, so Noah will have plenty of peers like him. Second, while Noah is not a minority himself, the uniqueness of our family will certainly shape him. We think it is just as important for him to be around people of other races.

Another concern voiced is, “Along with racial diversity comes economic diversity and many negative things like apathetic parenting that can ruin the educational environment.” Well, yes, but that is the real world isn’t it? You get out of an education what you put into it, just like you get out of life what you put into it. And we certainly don’t intend to be apathetic parents. We as parents have the responsibility to make sure our kids are getting positive gains out of their education and to supplement that education as much as we can. And let’s not forget here that the high school we are talking about consistently ranks as one of the top high schools in the country.

Additionally, we have researched the school district in depth. The district is divided into three areas. We have chosen a house in the area with the highest test scores and the lowest turnover. The area we have chosen has the least amount of apartments and the highest percentage of homeowners with young children. Therefore, it has the least transient school-age population.

Second, since it is difficult to be a minority, we believe that it is beneficial for a minority child to have opportunities to find positive adult role models who share their heritage. The concern voiced here is, “But you and Tracy are positive role models and there are other opportunities to find positive role models outside of school.” While that is true, it takes real effort to seek out role models outside of your current social network. It is much easier when it is just part of daily life. Plus, we don’t feel it is necessary to trade one thing for the other. While we will be in a more diverse area, we will continue to pursue additional socialization, like attending activities sponsored by the local Vietnamese American Society and the Mexican Embassy in our city. We will be able to pursue both approaches.

Also, is not just that a child can look up to or make friends with another minority adult or child, but it is also important that they are accepted in spite of (or because of) their heritage. An environment where they feel singled out or hear racially insensitive remarks is not ideal. The obvious argument here is, “But those things will happen anywhere and at any school.” While that’s probably true, it doesn’t make it right, nor does it take away the pain that those things inflict upon a child. We feel that our best chance to minimize that effect is to choose schools with demographics that are more racially diverse. While the kids may still hear those insensitive things, at least they will be with other minorities who will share the experience and can sympathize. With a good support system in friends and teachers, we feel that the net effect is a positive one. We have heard from adult minorities many times that the argument “everyone gets picked on for something, being fat, being skinny, wearing glasses, etc.” does not apply to the pain inflicted by racial discrimination. The feeling we have heard expressed is that it would be easier to deal with if the minority child was not alone. Tracy, Noah, and I unfortunately do not qualify as equals in this battle no matter how much we love and support Zoe and Colin, how much we demonstrate our desire to end racial discrimination, or how many minority people we befriend.

Ultimately, it is important to us that our children have a wide world view and open minds, and we feel that this is a very challenging thing to achieve in middle of the United States. We discussed moving to a different part of the country, but decided we didn’t want to move away from our family and friends. We feel the best solution for us now is to move to [the new] township, so that we can take advantage of the diversity the schools have to offer.

We will ALWAYS act in what we feel is in the best interest of our children. If there were ever any concerns that we felt would not be worth the benefit we feel we get from sending our children to [the new township], we would rectify them, either by switching to a private school, or moving. No one can predict the future, but right now this is the best decision for our family. Certainly, the other reasons we decided to move that we have mentioned are much easier to understand (more room, renovation potential, lasting home values). The reason for targeting [the new township], however, was not as easy for others to understand. I hope that this helps and please know that we are perfectly willing to open discussions into the matter, but maybe not in real depth until after we have moved and settled.

 -Christian

We think we found a house

We think we found a house. Strangely, I found it on Facebook. If that isn’t a sign of the times, I don’t know what is. I posted: “Tracy needs to find a house. STAT.” A friend from high school messaged me that he had a for-sale-by-owner four-bedroom with a basement in the township where we have been looking. I think everything is going to work out, but lots of things have to fall into place between now and December (closing on our current house, appraisal, inspection, etc). Wish us luck!

I tend to back into things when I am stressed, so don’t park in my driveway for a few months

I backed into my mother-in-law’s car today. Luckily I didn’t hit it hard and there was no damage. However, backing into things when I am stressed out has become a bit of a habit for me. After Noah was born and I was ex.hau.sted, I backed into my cousin Shannon’s car. Again, there was no damage, but it was a brand new car and I felt like an idiot. Another time I was on the phone having an argument with my mom and I backed into our garage door. I thought it was all the way up. It wasn’t.

This morning Noah and Zoe were in the car with me because I was taking them to school. My mother-in-law, Karen, was in the house with Colin. After I hit her car I got out and assessed that there was no damage, so I pulled away. I called her on my cell and apologized. When I got off the phone, Noah asked, “Who were you talking to Mommy?”

I told him I had been talking to Mimi and said, “I hit Mimi’s car, so I had to call her and tell her I was sorry. When you do something wrong, even when it’s an accident, you have to say you’re sorry.”

Noah said, “Well, why were you laughing when you said you were sorry? That wasn’t nice.”

I told him he was right, and I called Mimi back, explained what Noah said, and apologized without laughing. It was very hard to do, since Mimi was making fun of me and all.

When I got off the phone, I said, “Sorry guys, but Mommy is a little stressed out lately. I’m going a little bit crazy.”

Zoe said, “No, Mommy, Grandma’s crazy!” (Grandma taught them that, and it’s become a bit of a joke, so Grandma can’t get mad at me for writing it.)

I said, “You’re right, Grandma’s crazy. Mommy’s just a little crazy.”

Zoe said, “And Grandma’s A LOT crazy!”

Phew. At least someone still has me beat.

We are homeless

Well, not really, but we will be soon. We are supposed to close on our house November 23rd, and we have possession for 30 additional days. That means we have to be out by Christmas. Crap. Like there’s not enough to do around Christmas…

Ideally, we would close on a new house at the end of November and have time to move into it. So far though, we’ve not made an offer on anything. There are two houses that we really like, but we’re not sure that either of them is THE house. When we looked at our current house, we walked in and said, “This is it.” It just felt right. There are things about the two houses we are looking at now that are right, but some that we are just not sure of. If we could move one of the houses to the other’s location, we would be set.

At this point we are making lists of the pros and cons of each, and trying to come to a decision. Part of us feels like maybe it’s just that neither house is right, and that we should just be patient until we find THE house. After all, we are planning to be in this house forever, or at least until the kids move out. Honestly, we originally thought we were going to be in our current house forever, but that was when we were planning to have two biological children. Now that we have three children, including two who are minorities, we want something with a little more space and in a more diverse neighborhood. If we don’t find something, we can live with Christian’s parents or my parents for a little while, but that certainly would not be the ideal situation. Not only would it be a pain in the *ss to move twice, I would feel very bad about disrupting the kids lives twice.

I like order, stability, and having a plan. We have none of that right now, and it is freaking me the freak out! When we listed the house, Christian was certain it would sell, but I was skeptical. I really thought we were sort of testing the waters. I thought we would list now until the first time homeowner tax credit ran out, then pull the listing until spring. Kelli pointed out that I really should not be surprised. She said,

Okay, really? You are shocked? Who can say their house sold in 2 days? -the same people who completed 2 adoptions in like 2 years and more quickly than ever expected.

Yeah, I guess we do do things fast in our family. Maybe I should trade in my minivan for a Mustang. I just keep telling myself that we were freaked out when we figured out that Noah and Zoe would only be ten months apart, but we got through it and it certainly turned out to be a wonderful thing. We were REALLY freaked when we got the phone call so suddenly about adopting Colin, but we got through it and it certainly turned out to be a wonderful thing. I know this will all work out. I just need to focus on not throwing up and not sh*tting my pants one day at a time.

Out of the Mouths – Country Music

I loathe country music. Unfortunately, my parents love it, and my children are exposed to it when they are with Grandma and Grandpa.

And the kids are paying attention to the lyrics. Last night Noah said, “God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.”

Sold

We listed our house Thursday afternoon and started getting showings within 24 hours. At 5pm today, we got an offer for list price. Now we have to move, which means we have to pack all of our crap, and find a house to which to move. I’m either going to throw up or sh*t my pants. I haven’t figured out which yet.

Out of the Mouths – Wedgies

Grandma and Grandpa taught the kids about wedgies last week. Sweet.

 

Noah: “Mommy, you would be mad if I gave you a wedgie, right?”

Me: “Yes, Honey, you’re right. I wouldn’t like that.”

Noah: “OK. I’ll wait until Daddy gets home.”

Miscellaneous Monday

I have a lot going on right now and don’t have the brainpower to write about any of it in detail, so I just thought I would share some miscellaneous stuff.

Moving:

• We are considering moving, just a few miles south of where we are now. We are looking at houses that might have a little more space and would be in a more diverse school system. Hopefully I’ll have time to write a separate post about that soon. In the meantime, I’ll just say that looking at houses, getting our house ready to sell, and thinking about mortgages and packing is stressful. We told the kids that we might move to a different house, but didn’t talk too much about it as it’s a little premature. Noah was a bit concerned about his toys, but we assured him we would pack them up and take them with us. 
• We went to look at a for-sale-by-owner house last night and took the kids with us. Before we went in, I told them not to touch anything. While we were inside, Noah said, “But I can touch the floor, right, Mommy?” Yes, Noah, I guess we technically HAVE to touch something.
• This particular house is smaller than the one we are in now, but the idea was that maybe we could buy it and add on to it because it is on a 2-acre lot with a pond. The whole house would need to be redone though, so it just wouldn’t be practical. Anyway, the kids loved the huge backyard and the pond, and they didn’t want to leave. We were going to eat after we left the house, but Zoe started to throw a fit saying, “I want to eat HERE!” The single man who lived there told her he was getting ready to put a Tombstone pizza in the oven, but that he usually ate it all himself.

At work:

• I’ve mentioned before that I work for an order of nuns who care for the elderly poor. The woman who founded the order in France in the early 1800s will be canonized (made a saint in a special mass by the Pope) this weekend. Some of our Sisters, residents, and volunteers are going to Rome. Then we are having a gigantic mass and reception on October 25th. It is a BIG DEAL, and the nuns are stressing out, which stresses me out. In addition, we have our annual bingo fundraiser this Friday, with 420 people attending. I will be SO GLAD when this month is over.

Other stuff: 

• I folded laundry for 2-1/2 hours last night. I hate laundry. Laundry sucks.
• Christian said this morning, “I’m going to kill our first-born if he keeps getting up in the middle of the night.” Noah has started getting up a million times a night to go “potty.” Believe me, this kid has a camel-bladder, so we’re not buying it. He gets up, goes “potty,” then stands in the hall doing his loud fake cough, just in case we decide we want to get up to put him back to bed. When we don’t, he finally goes back in his room. He also gets up sometimes to play. He has an obsession with these little Transformer-like balls called Bakugans right now. He always wants to out them in a cabinet in his room before he lies down. I put him down for a nap the other day, shut his door, and only took one step before I heard the magnetic latch. I opened the door back up and totally busted him.
• I love my husband, but my head is going to pop off if I have to listen to his band anymore. I made the mistake of pointing out, “This is Daddy’s band,” when one of the songs came on my iPod in the car, and now that’s all they want to listen to. Know how a favorite song can get old once Top 40 radio plays it too much? I want to scream.

Out of the mouths: “I’m gonna wear a really big one”

Zoe has had an obsession with bras lately. She was at my parents house the other day and she put one of my mom’s bras on over her clothes.  She said to my mom, “It doesn’t fit!”

Then she said, “Grandma, I’m gonna wear a bra when I get big.”

My mom said, “Yes, you will.”

Zoe said, “I’m gonna wear a big one, Grandma. A really big one!”

Favorite Photo Friday – Florida Photos: Babies and Beer

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know that I love photos of Babies and Beer*. I’ve posted them here, here, here, here, and here. So what would my set of 10 million Florida photos be without some Babies and Beer pictures like these from our dolphin cruise?

 

And this one isn’t from Florida, but here is a recent Babies and Beer photo of our niece, Lila:

 

*DISCLAIMER: No babies actually drank beer during any of these photo sessions.

One year ago today…

One year ago today, we finalized Colin’s adoption. I remember how overwhelmed I was a year ago, after Colin came home so suddenly. We were thrilled, but overwhelmed.

Having three kids three-and-under is still overwhelming sometimes (OK, a lot of the time), but I can’t imagine it any other way. I love my family.

And Here’s Another One (or My Third Corruption Post in Two Days)

I think I’m going to go crawl under a rock now (or at least abstain from reading more of these articles for the rest of the week).

 

Watch this video about adoption in Ethiopia, called Fly Away Children.

A summary:

Some adopting parents suspect or discover the new child they’ve taken in is not an orphan as they’d been assured. The child may also have a litany of health problems that has been covered up by corrupt officials.

Also many ‘relinquishing’ Ethiopian parents or carers may have been duped into giving up their children through a heartless process called ‘harvesting’ and can’t hope to re-establish contact with them.

Ethiopia has 5 million orphans needing homes and the United States has millions of homes needing babies. Africa Correspondent Andrew Geoghegan and producer Mary Ann Jolley, discover it’s not a simple mathematical equation or zero sum game. There are virtually no government regulations or policing of the process. Many international adoption agencies flashing Christian credentials are taking advantage of the situation. Corruption, fraud and deception are rife…  it’s all too common for Ethiopian parents to give up their children for international adoption after being coerced by adoption agencies.

From the video transcript:

GEOGHEGAN [Reporter] : The crude reality is that children have become a big Ethiopian export. A child welfare agency here estimates international adoptions are generating revenue for the government of around one hundred million dollars a year, and the government is showing now sign that it is going to jeopardise that income for the sake of the children.

Ethiopia is not a signatory to the Hague Convention which requires international adoption be used only as a last resort. So as a result, a completely unregulated industry has grown up. More than 70 agencies operate here, almost half are unregistered. Corruption, fraud and deception are rife. The unscrupulous practices of this industry alarm one of the country’s top human rights lawyers, Mehari Maru.

MEHARI MURU: “I have heard several words which I don’t accept in these adoption processes, ‘harvesting’ is one of them is…. completely wrong, that you harvest the child for adoptive parents.”

And:

GEOGHEGAN: Lisa Boe was assured – guaranteed – that the little boy was an orphan, but it didn’t take long before she had doubts.

LISA BOE [Adoptive Mother]: “There was a picture of the people that had found him and there’s a man and a woman in the picture, I point to the woman and he calls her ‘mamma’. I would have never…. never brought home a child that has a mum…. never.”

And:

GEOGHEGAN: Eyob Kolcha quit his job at Christian World Adoptions in December 2007 after more than a year with them. He’s still in the Internet and adoption business and runs an orphanage in Addis Ababa.

EYOB KOLCHA: “It was considered good for the children in the community and that people. So they were informed that they would go to America and they would live with families. There was no information before that time. There was no information after that.”

GEOGHEGAN: “Did their parents realise that they were now legally someone else’s children?”

EYOB KOLCHA: “They didn’t understand that. Even I don’t think most people, most parents understand even elsewhere in Ethiopia right now.”
 

Remember when I said I read articles about corruption in international adoption all the time now?

Just yesterday, I posted that I read articles about corruption in international adoption all the time, now that I know where to look. Unfortunately, I read another today.

Some may not know that I am a contributing editor for Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity. Along with providing opinion pieces, we also monitor the news for stories and updates on the status of Vietnam adoption. I checked my BlackBerry just before I took the kids into school this morning, and there was an e-mail from another editor citing articles about 16 people on trial in Nam Dinh province for adoption fraud in the cases of 266 infants, adopted in Vietnam from 2005 to 2008. Chris did an excellent job of summarizing the three news stories here.

I dropped the kids off and got back in my car. I cried as I read the full articles. Zoe was not from Nam Dinh, but this is just more proof that adoption corruption exists, and that it is widespread. It took a lot out of me to write that post yesterday, and then getting this news today was just a smack in the face. It is depressing. It sucks.

Please don’t think that my days are filled with obsessive thoughts about adoption corruption. I think about it on a regular basis, but not a daily basis. On a daily basis, I think how lucky I am to have Zoe (and Noah and Colin, too, of course, but we’re talking about Vietnam here). I am so lucky to have this beautiful, strong-willed, funny, gross little girl in my life. I am so lucky she is my daughter.

There are many (including my mom) who say that I should just let it go. They say that Zoe was “meant to be” with us, and that we need to just move on. But I can’t. We have tried to find Zoe’s birthparents, with no luck, but I will continue to search for answers. She deserves that. This quote from the article on Chinese adoption corruption I cited yesterday was particularly poignant for me:

[Adoptive mom Wendy Mailman] wonders what she would do if she discovered that her daughter was one of the stolen babies. She knows she could never return the Americanized 6-year-old, who is obsessed with “SpongeBob” and hates the Chinese culture classes her mother enrolled her in. But she said, “I would certainly want to tell the birth family that your daughter is alive and happy and maybe send a picture.”

I think the main concern from those who say to “move on” is that we could lose Zoe. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. There is no legal precedent for it, and I would not be searching if I thought it was a possibility. If it was ever a threat, I would fight with every ounce of my being. However, I do belive that Zoe deserves to have a relationship with her birth family if it is at all possible. If that is not possible, she deserves to know the true circumstances of her abandonment and not just (what was probably) a falsified police report that she was found by the side of the road.

What No One Told Me About Adoption

I am late to the party, but there is a blog carnival at Grown in my Heart where bloggers are invited to write on the topic “What No One Told Me About Adoption.”

There are plenty of things about adoption that I have discovered since I became an adoptive parent, but one of the most crushing has been finding out how much corruption exists in adoption. My husband and I went into our daughter’s adoption from Vietnam thinking that adoption was a wonderful way to give a home to a child in need. We thought we were doing a good thing. A few months after we were home, however, our daughter’s province was shut down to US adoptions due to allegations of corruption. We were heartbroken to know that the possibility existed that our daughter’s adoption had been tainted. We were sick to think that her birthparents may have never intended for her to be adopted, and that they were grieving the loss of their daughter. We ached when we thought about explaining it to her some day.

Yesterday, an article by Barbara Demick titled “Chinese babies stolen by officials for foreign adoption” appeared in the Los Angeles Times. Sadly, now that I know where to look, I read articles like this one weekly. Just recently, I’ve read them about Vietnam, Ethiopia, Guatemala, India, Sierra Lione, Liberia, Samoa, etc.

What is especially interesting about this article, however, is that it is about China, a country whose adoption program has long been touted as “corruption free.” I read the blog of one adoptive parent who said she thought her daughter’s Vietnam adoption was ethical because of X, Y, and Z, and that she knew her other daughter’s adoption was ethical, “because she was adopted from China.” It is sad, but I have learned that corruption in adoption exists everywhere (including the United States).

The article says:

The conventional wisdom is that the babies, mostly girls, were abandoned by their parents because of the traditional preference for boys and China’s restrictions on family size. No doubt, that was the case for tens of thousands of the girls.

But some parents are beginning to come forward to tell harrowing stories of babies who were taken away by coercion, fraud or kidnapping — sometimes by government officials who covered their tracks by pretending that the babies had been abandoned…

“In the beginning, I think, adoption from China was a very good thing because there were so many abandoned girls. But then it became a supply-and-demand-driven market and a lot of people at the local level were making too much money,” said Ina Hut, who last month resigned as the head of the Netherlands’ largest adoption agency out of concern about baby trafficking.

“Supply-and-demand.” I know these may seem like harsh words to associate with adoption, but it is an unfortunate truth. Adoption is a business. I wish I had understood that sooner. I wish I had known that not everyone involved with adoption is doing so out of the goodness of their hearts. I should have known it, and I don’t know why I didn’t recognize it. I work for a nonprofit home for the elderly poor. I get satisfaction from the fact that I am helping our elderly residents, but I am certainly not working for free, and neither is anyone in the adoption industry.

However, my job is not commission based. I don’t get paid more if we have more elderly residents in the home. Adoption, though, is a fee-for-service based industry. Adoption agencies, some adoption workers, governments, and many government officials make a certain amount of money per adoption. It is, therefore, in their best interest to facilitate more adoptions. Unfortunately, when the “supply” of true orphans (those who are legitimately abandoned or whose birth parents truly have no way to care them) runs dry, some will go out seeking orphans to be able to meet the demand of adoptive parents.  They will convince, coerce, trick, or bribe birth parents to hand over their children, or they will even outright kidnap them.

The article says:

Brian Stuy, an adoptive father in Salt Lake City who researches the origins of Chinese adoptees said, “It is international adoption that is creating the suction that causes family planning [the Chinese government agency] to take the kids to make money.”

Deng Fei, an investigative journalist based in Beijing, adds, “That money is a windfall for the orphanages and local officials,” Deng said. “It seduced them into going to look for babies to send abroad.”

Please do not take what I’ve said here to mean that I am anti-adoption. I am not. What I am is an advocate for adoption reform.I believe that international adoption should be the last resort for a child. The first priority should be to find a way for a child to stay with his or her birthparents. If this is not possible, the child should be placed in a domestic adoption, remaining in his or her own culture and country of birth. I believe there are a few international adoption agencies out there who are operating under these same assumptions, and who are doing wonderful things for children. I wish so badly that we had adopted through one of them so that I could one day tell my daughter why I thought her adoption was above-board. However, there are too many more that are outright corrupt or who at least choose to look the other way.

The article further states:

For adoptive parents, the possibility that their children were forcibly taken from their birth parents is terrifying.

“When we adopted in 2006, we were fed the same stories, that there were millions of unwanted girls in China, that they would be left on the street to die if we didn’t help,” said Cathy Wagner, an adoptive mother from Nova Scotia, Canada. “I love my daughter, but if I had any idea my money would cause her to be taken away from another mother who loved her, I never would have adopted.”

Finally, the article says:

In Philadelphia, Wendy Mailman, who adopted in 2005 from the orphanage in Zhenyuan that took in confiscated babies, now questions everything she was told about the girl who orphanage officials said was born in September and abandoned in January.

“Why would a mother who didn’t want a baby girl be so heartless as to wait until the dead of winter to abandon her?” she said.

She wonders what she would do if she discovered that her daughter was one of the stolen babies. She knows she could never return the Americanized 6-year-old, who is obsessed with “SpongeBob” and hates the Chinese culture classes her mother enrolled her in. But she said, “I would certainly want to tell the birth family that your daughter is alive and happy and maybe send a picture.”

“It would be up to my daughter later if she wanted to build a relationship,” she said.

For many birth families, that would be enough.

“We’d never make her come back, because a girl raised in the West wouldn’t want to live in a poor village like this,” said Yang Shuiying’s mother-in-law, Yang Jinxiu.

“But we’d like to know where she is. We’d like to see a picture. And we’d like her to know that we miss her and that we didn’t throw her away.”

Read the whole article here.

Read other blogger’s posts on “What No One Told Me About Adoption” here.

A Soccer Mom in her Rockin’ Minivan

I am officially a soccer mom. My rockin’ minivan drives Noah and Zoe to soccer lessons on Saturday mornings. They started last week. Since they are only ten months apart, I had been waiting until their ages were right for them to be in the same class. As another mom with three kids close together once pointed out, “Mommy and Me” classes are common, but “Mommy and Me and Me and Me” classes (or, to be fair, “Daddy and Me and Me and Me” classes) are pretty hard to find. This is a parent-child class, and our goal (ha ha!) is to be able to do it with one parent for both children. We’ve had someone watch Colin the past two weeks so that Christian and I could both be on the field with Noah and Zoe, but we’re going to try it with just one of us next week. Wish us luck!

They have both done pretty well.  Zoe jumped right in with no problem. Noah was a little more hesitant, but there was certainly an improvement from last week to today.

 

I really wanted to get a picture of Noah and Zoe together in their uniforms. I don’t love Noah’s fake smile in this one…

 

…but it’s better than him sticking his tongue out in this one. He does this every time I try to take a picture these days and it is DRIVING ME CRAZY.

 

Zoe on the field:

 

As I said earlier, Noah was a little hesitant about the whole soccer thing, but he LOVES the uniform. He wants to wear it all.the.time. He even wants to sleep in it. We’ve had to say that it is a *special* uniform only to be worn for soccer as an incentive for him to go. The first week of soccer, Noah was the “Star of the Week” at his pre-school, so it was his turn to bring Corduroy home and journal about his adventures. We made sure to take Corduroy to practice with us and then get a picture of Noah in his uniform for his journal. Noah was thrilled.

Florida Photos – Hanging Out at the Condo

Favorite Photo Friday – For Those About to Rock

I don’t know what it is, but I just love this photo. I loved it before editing, but I love it even more now.

For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)

 

(here’s the “before” photo) 

Florida Photos – More Family

One of the reasons we chose to go to Florida for vacation was to visit family. My uncle Scott and Aunt Wanda live there with two of their teenaged kids, Scotty and Kristina. My Aunt Dean and Uncle Bill live there, as does their youngest son Steve, his wife Jennifer, and their daughters,  Sarah (8) and Alexandra (2). My parents have a condo in Indian Rocks Beach (they rent it out most of the year), so we stayed there. My mom was able to go down with us, but my step-dad had to work and couldn’t make it.

 

My mom:

 

My cousin Kristina:

 

Aunt Dean, Mom, Noah Zoe, cousin Alex, and Colin:

 

Mom, Scott, Wanda, Kristina and her boyfriend, Scotty and his girlfriend, Zoe, and Colin:

 

Scott and Wanda:

 

 

All of us on the dolphin cruise:

 

Christian in the pool with Colin and cousin Sarah:

 

Sarah, swimming and doing her best to grow some teeth:

Florida Photos – Our Family

The problem with my new photography hobby is that I am not in any of the pictures (not that I particularly liked being in them in the first place). My mom happened to catch all five us in the pool at the same time and took these with her point-and-shoot (which is actually a really good P&S, but something must be wrong with it because all of her pictures are coming out fuzzy lately). Anyway, I wish these pictures were better quality, but I am glad to have photos of all of us together. (Note to self – give Mom a quick tutorial on the dSLR, at least in auto mode.)