Evolving opinions on open adoption

So much of what I thought about adoption has changed over the last couple of years. I almost have to laugh when I think about how naive Christian and I were when we got into this whole thing. I have talked a great deal about corruption in international adoption on this blog. (Corruption happens in domestic adoption, too, and I plan to write about it someday, but just haven’t gotten around to it.) Unfortunately, corruption was one of the first things in which we were schooled. Several months after we adopted Zoe from Phu Tho, Vietnam, the province was shut down to US adoptions over allegations of corruption, and now Vietnam is shut down to US adoption entirely. It was a gigantic wake-up call. Before that, we thought that all international adoptions were wonderful and that any agency or person working in the field must have noble intentions. We really thought everyone cared about the kids. Boy have our opinions changed on that.

Another thing that has really changed is our opinion about open adoption. Sadly, our opinions on this have changed in part because of what we have learned about corruption in adoption.  I feel guilty admitting that one of the main reasons we chose international adoption in the first place was so that we didn’t have to “deal” with birthparents. Christian and I were talking about this the other day. We vividly remember sitting in our family room talking to the social worker for our first homestudy. We told her we knew that children who were adopted internationally and who had been in orphanages could be sick, have developmental delays, or attachment problems, but that we were much more willing and able to accept those challenges than we were the challenge of having a birthfamily change their mind or be involved with “our” child for the rest of our lives. However, once we learned that there was a real possibility that Zoe’s birthfamily could have been coerced or tricked into placing her for adoption, or that she could have even been kidnapped, we longed for more information. We WISHED that we could have had contact with her birthfamily, so that we could know this was truly what they intended for her and thought best for her.

What we have finally realized in the past few years is that adoption is not about US and what WE are comfortable with. Adoption is about our CHILDREN and what is best for THEM. We now believe that what is best for THEM is to have contact with their birthfamilies, or at least that they have the OPTION to have contact with their birthfamilies. For that reason, we have done the following:

1. We have transitioned Colin’s adoption into a fully open adoption from a semi-open adoption. This means that Colin’s birthmom now knows our last name and our address, and we are going to visit her in the next couple of months.
2. We have started a search for Zoe’s birthfamily in Vietnam. We have hired a searcher, and they will be starting the intial phase of the search with officials in Hanoi as early as next week. We are not certain that the search will be successful, but we are hopeful.

I plan to write separate posts about Colin and Zoe this week, but this has all been very difficult for me to put into words, so bear with me. I am also still struggling with how much information to share, whether or not to password protect, etc. Also, I have a lot of friends who are adoptive parents who have not arrived at the same decision we have, so please know that I am not judging anyone here. This is what Christian and I have decided is best for our family. Similarly, I ask that everyone else respect the decision that we have made. Yes, it is scary, but again, this is what we think is best for our family. Finally, I know that there are many adult adoptees who say that the decision to have contact with birthfamily should be that of the adoptee. We appreciate that opinion as well, and the decision to continue contact in the future will be Colin and Zoe’s. However, we feel that we need to lay the groundwork now for the possibility of that contact to be there when they are old enough to make the decision themselves.

Out of the Mouths: “Four Times, Mommy”

Zoe has developed the lovely habit of JUMPING on people. Seriously, out of nowhere, she just leaps on me, and sometimes it really hurts. We have tried to talk about it, but it is not helping.

Last night she jumped on my back and it knocked the wind out of me. I was really angry. I said, “Zoe, you CANNOT jump on me like that. It really hurts me. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT TODAY!?”

Zoe looked at me, seemingly unphased, and said nothing.

Noah, on the other hand, said, “FOUR TIMES, MOMMY! YOU HAVE TOLD HER THAT FOUR TIMES TODAY! ZOE, MOMMY HAS TOLD YOU THAT FOUR TIMES. IT IS NOT NICE TO JUMP ON PEOPLE LIKE THAT.”

Well, I guess at least someone is listening to me.

Old enough for Batman, Spiderman, and Star Wars?

Noah is four, and he really wants to watch Batman/ Spiderman/ Star Wars. I don’t think he’s old enough, but I’m not super familiar with any of them either, so maybe I’m thinking they are worse than they really are? Are there animated versions that would be better? I was on Amazon trying to look through the descriptions, and they said they were for kids seven and older, though many of the other things we have let them watch (Madagascar, Up, Kung Fu Panda) also say they are for children over seven.

Noah was looking over my shoulder while I was on the computer telling me how he “REALLY” wanted a Batman/ Spiderman/ Star Wars movie. When I told him I didn’t think he was old enough, he said, “But Mommy, I’m really tall! Look!” as he stood on his tip-toes.

Thoughts?

Gross and Grosser

For the last couple of years, I have been of the opinion that my daughter is the grossest child on earth.

I mean, it was just the other day that I noticed something on her shirt, only a few minutes after she got dressed and before we had breakfast. I looked at it more closely and said, “Zoe, did you wipe boogers on your shirt?!”

She answered, “Yeah,” in a tone of voice clearly relayed, “Of course I did, Mom. What’s the big deal?”

Well, Colin has decided to give her a run for her money. Yesterday I was driving when I glanced back at Colin in his carseat. He had taken off his right shoe and sock and was rubbing his BK chicken fry between his toes. Then he ate it. And laughed.

Favorite Photo Friday – Rubber Glove Hats

My mom left her camera in the diaper bag Tuesday after she took the kids to the zoo, so I thought I would check and see if she got any cute photos. There was only one zoo photo, but I found this one from September of Noah, Zoe, and their cousin Michael.

I’m not sure I even want to know how this came about.

*It just occured to me how dangerous it might be to go looking at someone else’s photo card, especially that of one’s own parents. I’m REALLY glad this was the weirdest thing I found.

Beautiful Blogger Award

Thanks so much to Chris for honoring me with the Beautiful Blogger Award.

Chris said:

You know what I think is beautiful?

Blogs.

Or rather, the connection we can have through blogs. The real honest to goodness friendships that form through sharing a little bit of ourselves and reaching out to others who’ve had the courage to do the same.

And I could not agree with her more. I can’t even count how many times I’ve talked about the amazing friendships I’ve made through blogging, even though I’ve never even met some of those friends in person. I have really connected with several bloggers, and it’s awesome to have formed these relationships with others who can share their experiences about adoption and parenting.

So, here are the rules:

1. Pick 15 bloggers to pass the award on to.
2. Share seven things about yourself.

I had trouble coming up with 15 blogs. First, many of the blogs I enjoy have gone private or password protected, so I can’t link to them here. Then I came up with a list of 15 and realized that Chris had already awarded some of them. So, here are ten Beautiful Blogs:

• Angel at Perfectly Chloe: I love reading about Chloe’s antics. I think Chloe and Zoe could have a contest to see who is the grosser little girl (luckily we know each other in real life, so we may actually be able to make that contest happen)! Plus, Chloe and Zoe were from the same province in Vietnam.
• Ashlea at Project Stormea: I think Ashlea and I would be good friends if we met in real life, and our husbands would probably get along too.
• Cavatica’s weblog: I just started reading this blog a few weeks ago, but her posts on raising children without religion made me go out and buy Parenting Beyond Belief. Christian and I are taking turns reading it.
• Julie – The Deziels: Julie’s son Stephen-Paul is from Vietnam, and their son FuDa just came home from China. I can’t believe the smiles on these two boys!
• Kelli at Life with My Little Prince: Kelli is a blogging friend and a real-life friend, too. And Aiden is such a handsome little guy!
• Kelley at Bunny’s Mom: I love her pictures, and I’m in awe of her crafting abilities. I can’t even sew on a button, and I’ve never even touched a glue gun.
• Kristen at Three Kids=Chaos: I have to agree that Three Kids does equal Choas, and Tova is from the same province in Vietnam as Zoe.
• Laura at Our Valentine’s Day Treat: I love how Laura stays so positive and posts about the highlight of her day with Mattix and Molley each and every day. This woman has some serious energy.
• Mer (LuLu’s Mommy) at Beautiful Chicken: I owe Mer a special shout out. She gave me the Lemonade Award last month and I never wrote about it. Hopefully I can make it up to her by giving an award back!
• Mother Mother Ocean: She makes me laugh and I love her turtle collection!

 

Now for seven things about me:

1. Thinking of seven things about me is ridiculously difficult, but I can tell you seven things about my kids in under 30 seconds. It’s sometimes hard to believe that I was ever anything but a mom, even though I’ve only been on the job for a little over four years. It’s amazing sometimes to think that less than five years ago I was so depressed because I never thought I’d get to be a mom, and now I have had three in record time.
2. I got Botox… and now my feet and armpits can’t show emotion. I have this gross thing called hyperhidrosis that basically means I sweat like a pig. My underarms and feet were DISGUSTING, and Botox injections helped stop the sweating. I had a series of small injections, probably 100 or so, in each area. It was incredibly painful, but it did work. It’s supposed to last up to six months. It’s been three months and so far so good.
3. I think we’re done having kids, but we’re not ruling anything out. Christian and I have said that if Colin’s birthmom got pregnant again and wasn’t able to parent, we would want to adopt Colin’s sibling. We’re not hoping that happens or anything, and we don’t think it will, but the possibility is there.
4. I am a freak when it comes to choosing paint colors, and I am super-excited that the hardware stores started selling little samples of paint. I have purchased 20 or more of them in the last two months in order to find colors for our family room, the kids’ room, our bedroom, and the halls. I still have to pick colors for two bathrooms, which means I will probably be purchasing ten more. I paint little squares all over the room in question before finally choosing a color. It’s pretty ridiculous.
5. My husband says I snore. I don’t believe him.
6. I need more sleep. Specifically, I need to go to bed earlier. Christian and I regularly stay up until 1am. We try to get in bed earlier, but it just never seems to happen. We are both exhausted at 7pm, but wide awake by 9pm when we put the kids to bed.
7. Um, seriously, this is really hard (See #1).  One more thing. One more thing….. Oh! I love my husband very much. He had to rebuild my computer a while ago. When I got it back, I discovered that he had changed the screensaver to scroll, “I love you ~ Christian.” Isn’t that unbelievably sweet? (I’m kind of cheating with that one since it’s more about Christian than it is about me, but I’m still counting it.)

Happy Family Day, Zoe!

Three years ago today, we had our official Giving and Receiving ceremony in Vietnam, and Zoe became our daughter forever.

This picture was from last fall, but for some reason I never posted it. I don’t know why I didn’t because I love it. It shows what a beautiful, spunky, happy, energetic little girl she’s become. We’re so happy she is with us!

That’s a beer, right?

UPDATE: The hand-me-down toys came from my cousin Shannon, who manages a bar. They had a strand of beer mug lights from one of their distributors. This mug fell off of that strand and somehow got mixed in with the toys. Mystery solved.

My mom scored some hand-me-down toys for Grandma and Grandpa’s house the other day. Among the treasures was some play food. Most of it was normal stuff: an apple, a carrot, an ice cream cone, a hamburger, pizza, etc.

Then I saw this:

That’s a beer, right? A frothy brew in a frosty mug?

WTH? I mean, we all know that I love a good babies and beer photo op (as evidenced here, here, here, here, and here), but it seems a little weird to me that there would be a toy manufacturer out there who would share my twisted sense of humor. I would guess that there might be some parents who might not find it as amusing as I do.

Go back to bed, Noah!

I would love for Noah to sleep 15-30 minutes later in the morning. I know 15-30 minutes doesn’t seem like much, but neither Christian nor I are morning people, so 15-30 minutes more morning sleep would mean a great deal to us. 

If he gets up 15 minutes earlier than we would like him to, we usually just let him get in bed with us and turn on the TV for a few. If it’s 30 minutes or more, I tell him to go back to bed (which he often does loudly, which wakes Colin up, which sucks because Christian and I have to get up anyway). Today he got up and I sent him back to bed. He came back 15 minutes later and told me that he’d been in his room for “26 more hours.”

A few weeks ago, Lulu\’sMommy posted this about toddler clocks. Has anyone tried any of these? Anyone have other ideas?

Yes, we still have Emily

Yes, we still have Emily.

No, she does not look any better. She still has back fat and horrible hair. And no clothes. My mom even bought Emily a new outifit, but apparently Emily is more comfortable in the buff.

Yes, Zoe still puts Emily’s hair up her hose.

SERIOUSLY, can anyone tell me how to convince Zoe to give up this ugly freakin’ doll!? She has a million other dolls, but this is the one she wants.

And the putting Emily’s hair up her nose thing? Yuck. I’ve started finding boogers in Emily’s hair. I know I said I retired my clippers, but this is bad.

Last Two Idaho Idiots to Be Freed This Week

Dear Haiti and Judge Bernard Sainvil,

This sucks.

Tracy

 

Dear Laura Silsby and Charissa Coulter,

You are criminals, and I am disappointed that you were not punished. It would have made me very happy if you had been kept in jail.  

I want to punch you, but since I’m not going to be in Idaho anytime soon, I hope someone does it for me.  At least that would make me smile.

Tracy

 

Some pictures for Noah’s prom date

I’ve posted silly pictures of Zoe before and joked about showing them to her prom date some day, so I thought it would only be fair to share some recent ones of Noah that might make him cringe when he’s a teenager.

Reglan Rocks!

For those of you who have been reading my password protected posts, you know that Colin has had some weight gain issues. I decided not to use the password here, because it is not really the weight gain issue itself that needs the password, but the background behind the issue that makes me want to protect Colin’s privacy. So, if you have the password and know that “whole story,” please just don’t post any of that info in the comments. Cryptic enough?!

Anyway… Colin has delayed gastric emptying (DGE), which means that food does not pass through his system at the appropriate rate, so he feels full more quickly and for a longer period of time. We have struggled to keep his weight up, and he has had a couple of periods where he fell drastically on the growth charts. For about six months, Colin’s doctors have wanted to put him on Reglan for weight gain. It’s supposed to make the digestive system muscles contract, and move food more quickly through his sytem, making him not feel full so quickly.

We had been very hesitant to put Colin on this medication because it can cause heart problems and permanent neurological side-effects. We had him on Pediasure and a calorie supplement, we added butter to everything, pushed high-calorie foods over fruits and veggies, etc. We were able to maintain his weight, but he really wasn’t gaining. 

We were meeting with a nutritionist every two weeks. The final straw came when he lost SEVEN OUNCES in two weeks, dropping him from the 25th percentile to below the 10th (again), and putting him back to what he weighed in October. We finally gave in and decided to try to the Reglan.  

This really was not an easy decision, and it had me really stressed out. The first night he was on it I saw a commercial for a class action lawsuit for people who had a taken Reglan. Let me tell you, it makes you feel like an awesome  mom when you see a commercial that says, “If you or a loved one have been injured by” the medication you just dosed out to your toddler. Our doctor had explained what we needed to look for though, so we stuck with it.

We were told we would see results in a “couple of weeks,” but I swear we saw a difference immediately. The. child. is. eating. He drinks whole sippy cups full of Pediasure. One night he even cleaned his plate (two small pieces of cheese pizza, tomatoes, and pears, plus 6-ounces of Pediasure)! Dinner has been much more pleasant because he doesn’t start screaming, pulling his bib off, throwing his food, rubbing food in his hair, and crying “down” and “done” three minutes after getting in his high chair. Noah and Zoe were at a birthday party Saturday night, and Christian and I went to eat AT A SIT DOWN RESTAURANT with Colin. As a habit, I ate quickly and asked for the check, when I realized that Colin WAS STILL EATING. It was amazing. I was making such a big deal out of it and taking pictures with my cell phone. People must have thought I was crazy.

The best part:  In one week, he gained NINE OUNCES. (And that was after we cut all of his hair off, so it was probably really more like 11 ounces! ).

I feel a little guilty now that we didn’t just do this six months ago, but I know I can’t do that to myself. We were worried, and we wanted this to be a last resort, just in case. It’s working now though, and it makes me happy. The hope is that he will only be on it for six months or so, and then his system will adjust and learn to work properly on its own. I have my fingers crossed.

No, I was not drinking when I took my child to get this haircut

After Thursday’s incident with the clippers, we thought we would go all the way and just get Colin a Mohawk. (I had someone else do this haircut though. I think I’m retiring my clippers for a while.)

After all, it is right of passage for our boys. Here’s Noah when he was 16-months:

 

And here’s Colin’s Mohawk:

 

Both my little Ladies’ Men rock !

No, I was not drinking when I gave my child this haircut

Colin might look like this for a while:

 

Because without the hat, he looks like this:

 

See, Colin has this awesome thick, wavy hair, but when it gets too long, it gets wild. I asked my mom to cut it last week, but she hadn’t had a chance, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

We have a small set of clippers that I use to trim Christian’s hair in between real haircuts, and I went to work on Colin’s head tonight. I had the guard set on five, which I think would have been fine. Then I took the guard off to trim his neckline and around the ears. I put the guard back on to get a couple of spots that were still long, and just like in a scene from America’s Funniest Home Videos, the guard had somehow dialed back to ONE. There was no stopping at that point. I couldn’t leave the little bald patch in the back of his head, so we had to go all the way.

I still think he looks cute, but I thought Christian was going to cry. He has a weird emotional connection with Colin’s hair and always talks about how “awesome” it is. (I think it’s because his own is thinning, but don’t tell him I said that. ).

This is only part of the hair that came off Colin’s head. It would make a nice toupee for someone who wanted to look like Rod Blagojevich, wouldn’t it?

 

I wish I had had my camera out while we were cutting Colin’s hair, because Noah had a look of absolute horror on his face as we were doing it. He left the room for a minute and I yelled, “Hey, Noah, come here. You’re next!”

He yelled back, “No, Mommy, I’m not coming.”

Out of the Mouths – “Grandma, I died!”

The kids were at my parent’s house when Noah screamed from the bathroom, “Grandma! I died!” My mom came running.

My mom: ”What!?”

Noah: “I died!”

My mom: ”What!?”

Noah: “I died!”

My mom: “You mean you had diarrhea?!”

Noah: “Oh yeah. That’s what I meant. Will you wipe my butt?”

Eight of the Idaho Ten Released and Home in US

Eight members of the Idaho Ten were released Wednesday and were flown to Miami, where they landed just after midnight. Reports last week said that all Ten were to be released, but I am pleasantly surprised that the judge at least decided to keep Laura Silsby and Charisa Coulter.

I hope they are punished. If not, I may just have to find them and punch them. (Sorry Mom.)*

*My mom has expressed concern that I want to punch so many people lately. For the record, I have never actually punched anyone in my life, but these people would certainly deserve it if I decided to change that.

Ethiopian Adoption Scam – Girl says adoption agency bought her

UPDATE:  Thanks to Laura for pointing out that this is not the first time this agency has come under scrutiny. I wrote about a separate scandal they were involved in last September. Isn’t it sad that I’ve read so many of these stories that I forgot it was the same agency!? They just start to run together…

Yesterday, CBS news broke the story of an Ethiopian adoption scam. Three Ethiopian girls were said to be aged 7, 6, and 4. Their adoptive parents were told that their mother was dead, and that their father was dying from AIDS. In reality, the girls are ages 13, 11, and 6. Their father is alive and healthy, living a comfortable life, and the girls had been cared for by a large network of friends and family. However, Christian World Adoption approached their father, convinced him to give up the girls for adoption, and paid him for them.

CBS News reporter Armen Keteyain spoke to one of the girls, now living with her adoptive parents in the US:

“Your dad was paid,” Keteyian asked Meya.

“Yes,” she said.

“From Christian World Adoption,” Keteyian asked.

“Yeah,” she replied.

“For you to be adopted?”

“Yup.”

“You were sold?”

“Yeah,” she said.

Further, the investigation uncovered the lies the adoption agency told the girls to pacify them:

Beyond the alleged payment to their father, the Bradshaw sisters say they were told by local employees of Christian World they were only coming to America for an education; that they could return home when school was out. Not true. In fact it’s virtually impossible to reverse an adoption in Ethiopia.

“I thought I was going to be kind of like an exchange student,” Journee said. “Honestly, I never knew that I’m going to be here forever.”

The girls’ new mother in the United States said,

“We have watched our kids grieve and cry and scream and melt down from the bottom of their souls over the loss of their country and their family,” Katie Bradshaw said.

The article also says,

Christian World was founded back in 1991 by Bob and Tomilee Harding. In 2008, records show, the non-profit agency took in nearly $6 million dollars – charging a fee of about $15,000 per child.

I’ve just added Bob and Tomilee Harding to the list of people I would like to punch.

Sign of the Times

I just sent my husband an e-mail, and he is sitting on the couch next to me. To be fair it was a link to an article I want him to read, but still.

Jon Stewart takes on the Idaho Idiots

I heart Jon Stewart, so I was VERY excited to see what he had to say about the Idaho Idiots. It was funny, but he should have been meaner, gone deeper. He should have punched them in the face for me.

Anyway, at least he addressed it. Here’s what he had to say.

Oh, and now I want to punch Geraldo Rivera, too. And if someone holds him down, I’ll trim that stupid mustache at the same time. Why the hell would he be defending “the missionaries” even now that the facts on this case have come to light ?! IDIOT.

At least my man Jon did a better job addressing what Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson had to say about Haiti. IDIOTS.

I’ve heard that catastrophes can bring out the best in people. I think that’s probably true for many who were affected by the Haiti earthquake. People saw a need, and decided to help. There are people working hard in Haiti, first to rescue victims, and now to make sure that the Haitian people have food, water, medicine, and shelter. People donated money generously, too, as a multi-million dollar fundraising campaign was mobilized to get the necessary supplies to the workers on the ground. So, yes catastrophes can bring out the best in people.

Unfortunately, it also brings out the IDIOTS. Won’t someone just punch them for me, please!? PLEASE!!?